Accidental Affairs
by worth-shaking
Summary: One-shot. Lily Evans prides herself in having perfection in every thought and every action. What she will find is that sometimes attempting to be perfect creates a monster while being human allows for happiness. M for Adult Content.


**Accidental Affairs**: _One-shot. Lily Evans prides herself in having perfection in every thought and every action. Now, she has taken a wrong step and fears those consequences - what she'll find is that sometimes attempting to be perfect creates a monster while being human allows for happiness. _

**Warning: **_Rated R for mature content. _

My hands were the first to tremble. They could feel the atmosphere dramatically change before anything else. It wasn't like me to be feeling this way but I couldn't help it. Every part of me was in painful hungry. I had always been the composed one, the one that thought about the slightest detail before action, and now all my thoughts revolved around settling that hunger.

I remember the first day I found out James Potter was to be the Head Boy and thus share our own little nest in the castle. I was a bit disappointed, to be honest. Of course, first of all, there was the whole thing with me disliking him deeply. A growing up girl's resent towards an immature boy that had been fed throughout the years by the publics' amusement and the attention it gave me. Then there was the whole missing my friend's deal. While they gossiped every morning about last night's events, I was stuck revising with Potter the daily schedule. While they stayed late out be flirty and teenage girls, I did all the homework that somehow seemed to just pile on and on.

How James managed his social life along with his duties as Head Boy was beyond me but somehow he always did. Not only that, but he was always careful to include me in his happy life. Bringing home dinner (not leftovers either… always my favorite dishes or something new he specially selected for me try out) or funny stories about his nights. He would make my day better despite myself. It was no longer his young boy's crush, I began to realize. I believe he actually starting having compassion and care for what he described as "a girl who worked too hard to prove everybody else something" which frustrated me to no ends but not enough to push him away.

In the following weeks, James Potter gave me a kiss that sent me twirling. It was the whole romance novel thing, grabbing by the waste, hand in my hair, and pressing me tightly against his lips. Well, you can only blame me. Never before had a boy kept up with me for more than a week. Oh yes, flowers, chocolates, dates… but not for more than a month. "Poor blokes, have a heart too," said James after my last so called relationship failed. "They need comfort and attention as much as you do, darling." But he didn't, apparently. He was fine with the time I had to give him and I was more than happy. The school was buzzing with the news. I was the most envied girl in school. Not one of the most envied but _officially _the most envied -and I? I was head over heels with the idea that I was _that _girl.

But then that night, everything changed. He was there, in our common room. –a pair of old, beaten trousers and shirtless... I knew it was trashy of me to have that desire crawl up in me, to notice how easily his muscles contracted with every movement, how lovely his messy jet black hair looked against his pearled skin. He was drying the sweat off his face with a towel when he noticed me.

"Hello, love." His smile was brighter than the moon, more inviting too. "I was out for a game of quid- you okay?"

"James," I murmured coming near. I kissed him in the neck and he groaned softly. "I love you."

"I love you too." He sounded as if his chest was giving him pains so I kissed him there then his lips and my hands, uncontrollable with shaking before, began to work on their own caressing his body as if they were an explorer in a new land.

"Lily, don't." But he didn't stop me he unbuttoned my shirt quickly, pulled me forward more. He carried me into his bed, kicking the door behind though nobody would be coming in. His pants came off, mine followed. I knew he wasn't James anymore. I knew my boyfriend, -my playful, sweet, mischievous boyfriend- was gone. In this room, there was a man, full of fever as he discovered what he had been missing for so long. But who was I to talk? I wasn't Lily Evans any longer either. I was someone different, realizing women sometimes act more irrationally than a young naïve girl would.

He pushed it in without consent but I was expecting it. I felt a sharp pain erupt and it made me cry out loud. He pulled back for a second but I shook my head. I was fine. It was painful but I wanted this so badly. He pushed in again and after a while my cries where no longer of pain.

* * *

"Good morning, beautiful." He kissed my forehead.

I turned around lazily. He was the beautiful one. "James… I… didn't mean to."

I saw hurt flash across his eyes but I was more I need of comfort than willing to give it. "I know, Lily."

"People will call me a whore."

"You're not," he assured me. "I love you. I really do."

"You've done that before?"

Slowly, he nodded. "Not _that. That_ was beyond my wildest dreams. But sex? Yes." He saw my look and continued kissing my head, "Stop, baby. It's fine."

"I know how boys brag about these things."

"I love you. I would never rip it out of its value by advertising it." He seemed even more hurt. "I honestly do. I treasure this. I know you regret it but I don't."

"You won't tell a soul?"

"You really do regret this?" I buried my head in his chest and he promised, "Not a soul, my love. Not one."

Of course nothing is ever that simple. A month and a half later, I was puking my guts out in my bathroom."

* * *

"Lily, you sure you're okay?" Melissa sounded honestly worried not something common unless shoes or sales where the topics. "You look like, pardon the language, shit."

I wanted to reply something sarcastic but instead vomit came out again. I had no idea what I looked like but I felt worse than shit. I couldn't stand the smell of food, the thought of the smell, even. It wouldn't go away either.

Melissa suggested seeing the school nurse, Madam Pauli. Although I was hesitant at first, proud of the fact that I had been strong enough to endure seven years without having to pay her a visit, a few more days convinced me that might be necessary unless I wanted to find my soul being flushed down the toilet in a few days.

"Pumpkin, sit here," she said gently once she was done looking at every inch of my body inside and out. "You're not sick." I stared at her blankly. If _this _wasn't sick, I didn't know what the hell this was. She answered my question, "You're pregnant."

* * *

"Seriously, Lils," James was at the verge of all patience. "What's with you. You broke up with me two weeks ago and I had to accept and respect that. Why all the sarcastic comments now, huh? Why the resentful demands?"

Two weeks ago, I didn't know I was pregnant. "I'm not. Go flirt with every girl in the castle. Get in their bed. Get in their pants. It's easy for you."

"Lily!" He was pale. "Stop it! You know it wasn't like that."

No, it wasn't -at all. But still, I needed someone to blame for all my dreams going down the drain. I burst out crying. "I hate you, James Potter."

He hugged me around the shoulders and I didn't fight it. "I love you, Lily. You have no idea. You're so caught up and so proud. You think breaking up is going to make you look so much powerful. You think you have all the control now. That's the problem, baby. You want to prove you're so perfect, so strong. It's okay to fall sometimes." He kissed my cheek, in a friendly manner. "It's okay to feel hate sometimes, to be jealous or heartbroken. It's okay to be over me even if I love you. There, there, sweetheart. Nobody's perfect. Everybody needs to cry sometimes."

"I'm pregnant," I blurted out.

He stared at me, his mind registering what I said. "With a baby?"

"No, with the new Speedy 200. We'll be having twin brooms in about eight months, James."

He smiled at this but I didn't think it was funny. "It'll be okay. I'll take care of you and the baby. I've always been in love with you. I'll marry you this instant. If that's not what you what you want, then fine. I'll still take care of you two either ways."

"I don't want to have it."

His eyes widen. "No, Lily. Please, I'll take care of it. Don't do that."

"Oh please, Potter. How are you going to go on your girl's haunt with a baby on your arms? How will you bring a girl home when there's a crying child in the next room."

"I won't. I'll forget all about girls. Lily, please, baby. You know this isn't you. You're scared and it's normal but-"

I narrowed my eyes. I hated myself for being the evil one and I hated him even more for making me look so horrible. But he didn't' understand. "People will think I'm horrible."

"FUCK, LILY! Will you listen to yourself?" His face was contorted with anger. "You're so selfish you know that?" I opened my mouth but he snapped quickly, "Perfect Lily. It's all very pretty. You're a monster, Lily. You're going to kill a baby, your own baby, because of what people will think? I didn't rape you. You don't have to worry about a thing! All you have to do is not deprive it of life and what do you do? Think about others! If you don't want it, fine! But do it for you. Don't use other's opinions as your reasoning."

He slammed the door shut behind him.

I cried myself to sleep that night and every night for the next four months. James didn't speak to me other than to ask how I was feeling. "Fine," I'd lie. I felt horrible. My robes weren't hiding much anymore and soon word got out. Melissa shot enough evil glares to get us through the halls but without her, it was complete misery. I'd wake up wishing it was all a dream only to feel my waist ten times heavier than normal.

"JAMES!" I screamed in early May.

He dashed out of his room faster than ever. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"It's moving." I held his hand to the under part of my belly. "Feel it."

Everything stopped for those seconds. He just held it and slowed his breath to an almost non-existent movement. He kissed it. Then he kissed me and I cried because I had never realized before what I had in front of me, what I had in me.

In front of me was a boy who loved me for who I was -imperfections and all. The only one I never had to impress because he was in love with me already. He knew the angel in me and the monster as well and he kissed them both good night, every night, when he thought I was asleep. I loved him, I realized. I never showed it. I wanted to trophy case to show around and then tossed it as if it had been no big deal. But I loved him and I did him wrong and I was sorry for it, more than I knew as humanely possible.

Inside of me was… a life, a smile, a possible healer or trouble maker, a part of me and James and all our families' genetics together in this being. So innocent, not a lie or ill thought yet and yet I blamed it for everything that had gone wrong in my life when really, it was the only thing that had gone right.

"It's okay," he kissed my head. "I know, baby."

And though no words had been exchanged, I knew he did.


End file.
